When my horoscope is RIGHT on the DOT!

“You are doing a lot of deep thinking now, but you might decide not to go public with your thoughts. Nevertheless, you may come across as if your emotions aren't very important when you talk about them in a detached manner. Ironically, you may believe that changes are occurring, even if nothing happens. Be courageous and find your voice. Take a risk and express what's really in your heart.”

HOW FITTING AND RIGHT ON THE DOT!?!


The other day, I was talking to Sandy and she suggested that I continue to blog some more… like I used to before. My answer? Well, just read my horoscope above! That is exactly what is going on with me and in my mind.
 Its true… I AM a Sagittarius!

Away from Home on the Holidays

This past Christmas (yesterday) was incredibly hard for me. I am so used to being home with all of my family and the little ones, but this year was different. As much as I wanted to be home, I knew that it was too much to ask and want considering the time and finances. My family understands and they would hate for me to spend five times as much as I would if I was to fly out there any other day or week. Nevertheless, it was still very hard. I would cry after getting off the phone with any one of my family members because I'd miss them like crazy and it was just too much to bare. My emotions couldn't handle the feeling and still keep strong enough to fight the tears.

Next year though, it will be different and I am going to be home for Christmas no matter what. I will make it up to everyone then.

For everyone else, I really hope that you enjoyed your time with your loved ones and cherished every moment and every individual. Don't take them for granted and especially don't take the precious quality time for granted. Trust me.

On a lighter note, my Christmas this year was mellow and something that I am not used to... but it was still nice. Its always nice to see people smiling, laughing, and most importantly, happy.

My 17 year old niece came by for her presents later. Its amazing how much she had grown and matured over the years. Its hard to accept the fact that in only a few months, she will become a legal adult... scary thought. I may not express my love for my older nieces and nephews as much, but I still care for them and love them deeply. I just can't "mother" them like how I do with the younger ones because I never did to begin with when they were younger so its hard to just "mother" them at such an older age. I wouldn't want to anyway... teenagers are a lot different to deal with than kids. They know too much for their own good.

Family, I miss and love you... so so so much.

Touched

Before I go, let me share an article that truly touched me yesterday and that left me utterly speechless and nearly in tears. Bittersweet.

Prisoners Donating Money to Lakewood Families

(there is a video included on the link and may be more touching than just reading the article that I am about to cut and paste)

by ERIC WILKINSON / KING 5 News

Posted on December 15, 2009 at 6:13 PM

MONROE, Wash. - It's a cold and unforgiving place - a place you'd expect to find nothing but bitterness and hatred toward police. But at the Monroe State Reformatory, the heartless killings of four Lakewood police officers are softening even the most hardened criminals.

"The first thing that went through my mind was, 'oh no, not again'," said triple murderer Tony Wheat, who killed three gas station clerks during robberies 44 years ago and who is serving a life sentence at Monroe.

He's part of a prison organization called "Concerned Lifers" where those serving life terms try to mentor young convicts and keep them from reoffending. Wheat says the Lakewood killings shocked many inside the reformatory's walls.

"We thought, maybe it's about time we start showing some appreciation and concerns, and doing what little we can and show that even though we are removed from society, we are a part of it," he said.

Wheat and a small group of convicts, most of whom will never set foot outside the prison's walls, are now organizing a fund for the families of the Lakewood officers.

Lifer Herb Blumer earns less than 50 cents an hour making furniture for state offices. He wants to give all he can to the cause, realizing in a case like this it really is the thought that counts.

"I felt that this donation might be a message to let them know that we share their grief and we share their pain," he said.

Maurice Clemmons executed four Lakewood police officers as the say sipping coffee and going over reports earlier this month, leaving nine children without one of their parents.

Inmates say they want to honor the officers' families with donations, but also their legacies by making sure another Maurice Clemmons doesn't come out of Monroe.

Three-strikes felon Curtis Caton says there are plenty of prisoners who are indifferent or even happy about the Lakewood murders. And those are precisely the people he wants to get to donate to the cause.

"Then we can hopefully change them and say 'look, you don't want to be like that. There's a better life for you out there'," he said.

With lifetimes yet to serve in prison, these fundraisers have little to gain in their cause. They simply hope to help heal broken lives... and perhaps themselves as well.

"When that cell door closes on your cage at night, day after day, year after year, you think about the impact your crime had on the victims," said Blumer. "This is a way to seek redemption. It's a way to give back and atone for the things that you've done."

Distraught

I know that its been awhile since I last posted anything. I've learned and discovered so many new things this past week that I often didn't find time to post or I would start to post something but then I get distracted into doing something else and my post never gets done. I had so much to say during those times but with the clock ticking faster than I had hoped and wouldn't listen to my requests for it to take a break, I lost it all. I just wish that time can just stand still for just a few moments when you need it to so that you have some time to absorb, process, and deliver your information and thoughts. I guess I was born in either the wrong time or the wrong universe.

The slaying of the four Lakewood police officers shook me... my heart ached as I learned more about the heartless murder. Although I do not know the victims personally, I know what it is like to lose a loved one. To lose someone that you held so dearly to your heart in this way is such a tragedy and my thoughts and prayers go out to their loved ones.

I will not go into detail on the story because there are many articles written and reports that are more credible than mine and it also brings back painful thoughts trying to tell the story again. Please, if you are interested, it is a story worth researching and reading about. However, I am not afraid to express my own personal opinions about the nightmare that is unfortunately a reality. How someone can have such a cruel heart is beyond me and I am frightened to know that there are such people out there right now... everywhere. I understand that there are personal problems and possibly mental and health issues that drew people to do what they do, but that is where professional help comes in. They are there for a reason and living in a world with endless resources, this should not be an excuse or a reason to take issues so lightly.

The fact that innocent lives were taken and many other innocents were at risk of the same danger is what worries me the most. What also got me drawn deeper into this story and was at the edge of my seat during and even days after the incident(s) was the fact that it happened so close to home. I know that I need to face reality and understand that the world is not perfect nor will it ever be, but this one really hit home... literally. Knowing that the killer was still on the loose for days and could have been anywhere and learning later that he was no more than 10 miles away from my Parents' house at one point and only a few miles away from my relatives' houses at other points made me numb. I was scared, worried, and couldn't seem to do anything else but continue to follow the intense story and kept up with all the live updates continuously to make sure that my loved ones amongst others are safe. I know that being a thousand of miles away, there is not much that I can do but to relay the information that I know to those that are in danger so that they are aware.... and pray. I lost sleep and at random times cried thinking about what could happen and might be happening. I was told that I was paranoid and worried too much, but how could I not?

I was relieved to know that the killer was found and shot dead a few days later by a hero that could have easily been a fifth victim... but I can't help but continue to worry. There were people who were helping him run and hide even after learning that he in fact killed four innocent police officers. I understand that Family comes first and blood runs thicker than water, but knowing that the person did such a thing, you have to realize that there is no way out. Take responsibility for your own actions and you should help them do the same. The outcome may not be what you want, but those are the consequences that you'd have to face for what you've done. Life isn't fair... take the fallen innocents for example. If the man responsible, Maurice Clemmons, did the right thing and turned himself in or his family did, he might still be alive now and may be able to get his story out (although I don't think its very deserving, but others would probably get answers and not have to continue to wonder and guess for very long) and his family would not be facing these unnecessary convictions. I guess some would rather die than go back to prison, but that still doesn't make things better for those who cared about you. And to know that there are people out there who are supportive of him and his actions and would have the audacity to say that they would have helped the murderer and excuses him for what he'd done because he "had his reasons"... it scares me. Those people could also potentially be a menace to society.

In another case, a dead body was found in the Puyallup River in Fife, a small town that is next door to where my parents live. This was only a few days after the slaying of the officers, but I wonder if these cases are related in any way. Then to know that a black rose was left at the Tacoma Police Department by an unknown person got me even more paranoid. I don't know how others see it and I know we all see it differently, but black roses are not a good sign in my opinion. It is usually given to the dead or a sign of revenge. I take it as a threat, but I guess there are others who take it as a kind gesture to show support. That is strange to me because this rose was not left at the memorial that they had for the fallen nor was it left at the Lakewood Police Department... but at the Tacoma Police Department where the family and friends of the killer reside. Also, the killer had an intention of killing police officers... that was his main target. Am I the only one who can add up these pieces together and take it as a threat and am worried? Maybe I am looking too much into it or I am just paranoid, but I don't think that these little things should be bypassed or taken lightly after such a horrific event. But hey... what can I do? I am not there and I am not a professional investigator or detective (although I usually like to pretend that I am and believe that I would be a great one if I wasn't such a chicken). Either way, I just pray that this will be the end of it and will be a lesson to many. May it be a wake up call for all of us to understand that things and people we love the most can be taken from us without a warning or mercy. Lets not take the things and people we love for granted and just like the title of my blog, cherish the moments. Hold those you love closest to your heart and don't hesitate to tell them what they mean to you and thank them constantly because it never hurt anyone to show appreciation for you never know if you'd be given another opportunity to do so.

May the souls of the fallen rest in peace and may love, comfort, and thoughts be with their loved ones during these times.

Counting Down..

I finally have a few minutes to do a really quick update. Finally.

As many of you may already know, my wedding ceremony will be starting in only 3 days. Heck... less than three days. I still have a whole lot of things to take care of. For the past week, I haven't been getting very much rest. I can't seem to fall asleep with the wedding on my mind. I honestly didn't think that I would panic like this... but wedding planning is not really meant for procrastinators like myself. These past couple months, I have learned to no longer procrastinate (wait... what the heck am I still doing blogging when I still have a million things to do?).

This past weekend was my friends' Teri and Narith's wedding. I was honored to be part of the wedding as a friend, a makeup artist, a venting outlet for the Bride, and an observer. You learn more about people during times of stress by seeing how they handle certain situations. Luckily for me, I have learned to admire both Teri and Narith much more. I admit... Teri and I never really hung out on a regular basis, but I am glad that she and I are able to come together and share some of our most personal thoughts and feelings with one another. Best of all, I learned a lot from her! I am trying my best to be as calm and cool as I can... because thats exactly how she was.

I am trying to be a more organized individual and trying my best to learn how to not let ANYTHING slip through the cracks. Holy sh*t... is this what it means to grow? I don't know. We'll see.

The wedding itself was BEAUTIFUL! As expected, I cried many times. Such a sweet couple... Narith even surprised Teri and sang a song to her at the reception... she was SHOCKED! He sang, "Everytime I Close My Eyes"... I used to always think that'd be my wedding song. Its still perfect... love that song! I really wish that I was walking down an aisle... like have a western ceremony. Ahhh... maybe next lifetime. And when I do walk down the aisle, the song, "From This Moment" will play as I do. It would be PERFECT. I'm starting to get teary eyed imagining it... knowing that it won't happen. Oh well!

So... I have to get back to my million things on my to do list. Wish me luck on my wedding day... send me happy thoughts. Thank goodness for lots of friends and family who were here for me through it all. Love you guys!

Torn

The biopsy test results didn't come in today as expected. My Sister and I got to the hospital around 8am... couldn't get much sleep last night either. HOW do you go to bed peacefully knowing that someone you love so much is suffering and in so much pain? We tried not to leave his side at any time because we knew that he was scared and didn't want to be alone. Everytime that we had to step out of his room, we'd let him know. He hated being alone, we can tell.

My two sisters, my cousin, and I were asked to speak to the doctor to figure out where we are at at this point. It was an emotional and difficult one... probably the hardest hour I've had to sit through. My oldest sister is unofficially our family's spokesperson, and I really don't know how she does it. I am very thankful for her... especially during times like these.

My Uncle was doing so well yesterday. He wanted to get better and tried his very best to do what he can that we told him might make him feel better and stronger. Today, I told him that stretching will help his muscles and five minutes later, he asked me to help him stretch.

It took a turn today. He was not feeling well and started throwing up blood. It started once every few hours. Before I left, it was every twenty minutes. I asked the nurse how long this vomiting would last... and she told me that it will last "until its over"... you know what that means. I was not prepared for this... especially after seeing what I thought was progress yesterday.

Its 12:30am... told my cousin that I'll be at the hospital by 5:30am so that he can go to work. Tempted to just go back now. I can't rest nor sleep like this.

He HAS to get better... at least for a little bit so that he can finally enjoy life. He'd worked too hard all his life. This just isn't fair.

I love you, Uncle! You will get better... you have to. I have faith in you... I really, really, do.

(I can't express how I truly feel at the moment... no words can really explain this hurt and pain I feel right now.)