Cambodian Festival - 'Pchum Ben'

"Hope you are enjoying Pchum Ben this weekend!" was what a fellow Khmer tweeter tweeted to me this morning.  You would think that a nice message like this would better my day and bring a smile to my face, but it only made me sad.  This is not her fault in any way and I really do appreciate the message (THANK YOU), but it just brought this sense of sadness to me.

WHY?

'Pchum Ben' is a Cambodian festival better known as 'Ancestors Day' or 'Festival of the Dead'.  It is believed that during this time, the spirits of our ancestors walk the Earth looking to be fed by their family members and relatives who are still living.  Since I was young, I would refer to this festival as the Cambodian Halloween.  You can see how trick or treaters walking around asking for candy can correlate to dead ancestors waiting and wanting to be fed by their families.  The festival would last about fifteen days in Cambodia and many traditions and rituals are practiced during this time.  Though I cannot remember them all, I do recall getting up early to go to the temple with my Family to feed the Monks and to pray, just like how it is done during most Cambodian festivals.  On this holiday in particular, we would also make offerings to our ancestors and remember them as we pray for them to continue their journey into reincarnation to better lives in the future.  My Family would also take part in hosting the ceremonies (providing food to the Monks and guests who visit the temple on those days).  My Mom never wanted any of our relatives to be considered "abandoned souls", which are the souls that do not have family members to remember them and make offerings to them.  She always tells us that this is the most important holiday (festival) in the Cambodian traditions... and it is the one holiday that you must not forget or "skip".

Thinking about this festival makes me miss my Family back in Washington so much.  Though my in laws here in California hold some traditions and believe in the same religion, I admit that it is not practiced within the household as it was back at home.  Part of the reason is probably because my Parents are older and are closer to the Cambodian community... especially with the elders and the monks at our beloved temple in Tacoma.  My Grandmother (who passed away in 2003 and is still to this day loved and missed) was a big part of the temple.  So were my two wonderful Uncles who are no longer with us since last year (2009).  One was actually the Vice President of the temple and the other was a well known Cambodian spokesperson in the Washington area (a lady from Georgia whom I met last week even knew and remembered him).  My point is that my Family is very involved in the temple and these festivals, and its times like these when I miss my Family so much.

Knowing that the festival was around the corner, I cried to myself last week... thinking and praying to my loved ones who are no longer living.  I wished that I was back at home with the rest of the Family praying and making offerings to them like I should be.  Its hard to do it here in California when I don't know anyone who still practices these traditions and take part in the festivals.  I did go to the temple with my Mother in Law, however,  to pray and make offerings to my ancestors.  But I still felt like something was missing.  I missed seeing my Parents up early in the morning running around trying to prepare everything that they needed to for the temple.  I miss seeing all of my many relatives in the temple with their palms together praying to all of our late relatives... together.  I miss being in the temple that I have known all my life and grown so used to.  I also miss seeing the smiling pictures of my relatives along the walls of the temple.  Everything about being with my Family during these times, I miss so much.

I confess, I have never appreciated these festivals and traditions before as much as I do now.  Those times that you spend with your family members are so precious.  We never know what tomorrow holds, so we have to cherish all the moments that we have with our loved ones because there is going to be a time when all we have left is the memories of the past. 

I want my ancestors to know that I always miss and think of them and that they are always remembered.

With that said, like my fellow tweeter, I hope you are enjoying your Pchum Ben this weekend.

NOTE:  Though I am ashamed, I must admit that I do not know all of the traditions, rituals, and history of this festival.  I speak only of what I know and remember, and of course, my feelings.


Photos Courtesy of ki-media.blogspot.com

Fallen Lakewood Police Officers Memorial

The Memorial Procession for the four Lakewood Police Officers is today, held at the Tacoma Dome. Again, so close to home, a piece of me is there with them and my heart just aches watching the procession live online.

Its bittersweet to see that there are people all over the world, police officers in particular there to show their love and support to the family, friends, and fellow officers of the fallen. There are many who flew up from Oakland and Los Angeles amongst other police departments around the country to show their respect for our fallen heroes. Its sad to lose loved ones... officers or not. Its just heart breaking to know that these are innocent people who were working to keep our people and communities safe, yet their lives were taken in such a senseless and cruel way. I hope that this will work as a wake up call for everyone that they need to have respect and appreciation for those in law enforcement. They are not just there to give you a hard time, they are there to try to protect us to the best of their ability. Even before this tragedy, I was always annoyed whenever people didn't show appreciation for those who genuinely cared for our well being... such as police officers.

They will always be remembered and honored... may their heroic souls rest in peace. My thoughts are with their loved ones today.

Another Angel watching over us...

Yesterday, my Uncle left the ones who loved and respected him here on Earth to join the other angels who are watching us from above. He was a great man who managed to still make us all smile and laugh hysterically to his last breath. I will never forget the many memories that we have shared.

I arrived here in WA on Thursday and some time around 3am when I couldn't fall asleep, I was on FB and noticed my niece (my oldest cousin's daughter who is my age) updating her FB with, "how can we have a family reunion without my grandpa? i hope he gets better soon". At this point, my heart dropped and wondered what was wrong with my Uncle. I texted her and knew that it was very late in the night and didn't want to wake my Parents up to inform them. That morning around 8am, she responded to me and told me that he was admitted into the ER. Having been at the hospital so much this past year, I knew that it was urgent and just knew that I had to be there. My Parents dropped everything they were doing and luckily, my Sister had just gotten back into town as well and we made our way to the UW Medical Center, which is nearly an hour away. We stopped to pick up my Aunt (his wife, who is my Dad's oldest sister) and my other Aunt who just flew in from Ohio (my Dad's younger sister). We finally made it to the hospital and there was my poor Uncle laying in his bed... in pain from the cancer that he was recently diagnosed with. He also suffered some short term memory loss... what they suspected to be alzheimer's disease... but I don't like to call it that. He saw me and asked me when I came back from California and I told him just yesterday. He asked me why... and I told him that I was there to visit him and there for the family reunion. He asked me why and whats wrong with him. He later told me that he was not going to get better and this was it. Those who know me know that my tears are easy and I had to excuse myself and not let him see me cry. My poor Aunt... she was so strong and tried to hold in her emotions. I later gave her a hug and told her that its okay... and that was when she let herself go and didn't hold back her tears. My heart still breaks reliving the moment and remembering how strong she tried to be for him.

We hung out with him for another 3 or 4 more hours, fed him... though it was hard for him to swallow and he was in pain. It was hard to see him suffer like that and I only wished I could be the one to suffer... not him. He was getting tired and we knew he needed his rest and he couldn't rest with us being there. As we were leaving, my Aunt didn't want to leave him and it was obvious that he didn't want her to leave. Oh... he went on and was being the comedian that he was and was going to tell us a story of him and my Aunt. He stopped himself and said, "no... its embarrassing... I'm not saying it" (in Khmer, of course). I tried to brive him with 5 b ucks and he said that thats too little... he wouldn't say anything for less than 20! HAHA... so my Dad whips out 20 bucks and my Uncle just laughed. I will never forget that laugh. Then I said that I was going to sing him a lullaby so that he would sleep... and I did and so did my Aunt from Ohio... but then he laughed and said that he will only fall asleep if his Wife sang the lullaby to him! Awwww! That was so sweet and my Aunt got shy and blushed... imagine a nearly 80 year old woman blushing! We all laughed at how cute they were. So... my Aunt insisted on staying and of course, we understood and were fine with that. His youngest son and she stayed with him (btw... my cousin, who is his youngest son had been there with him all along). Before we left, I hugged him and told him that I loved him. I asked him to tell me that he loved me too, and he said that he can't. I was like... "WHAT? WHY NOT? YOU HAVE TO!!!!" Then my Aunt and my Mom told him that I'm like a little kid, all he has to say is, "I LOVE YOU" and I'd be happy. So... he said, "I lub you" to me! That made my day!

Our family reunion ceremony on Saturday and Sunday weren't the same without him. After the ceremony on Sunday, my Sister and Sam went to go pack their things and we went to go visit him at the hospital before their departure. My Aunt came with us, of course. He was weaker and in more pain by this time, but he still tried to talk to us as much as he can. He made us all laugh so much! He really does say the darnest things and even Sam said, "I didn't realize he was so funny!". He gave Sam and I our blessings and after feeding him some soup, he started to apologize to me. :( My Uncle is a very respected man in the Cambodian community and was what we called "Ahja"... who is, from what I know, the master of ceremony for all types of ceremonies including weddings. He was asked to be the Ahja for my wedding, but with his age and memory loss, he declined because he thought he wouldn't be able to fulfill the job... which is understandable. He apologized to me because he wasn't able to be the Ahja for us, but there was no reason for an apology. I told him that I was just glad that he was there and was by my side through it. He kept apologizing, and this really made me sad. Its amazing how he has memory loss but remembered everything from my wedding... he even went on and talked about where everyone was sitting and eating. It goes to show that this was something that had been bothering him since and has been on his mind.

After a couple more hours of sharing stories and laughs with him, our other relatives showed up after the ceremony and it was our time to leave for the airport. He gave Sam and I our blessings once again and I gave him a hug and told him that I was going to come see him again tomorrow morning and my Parents were coming with me. He asked me where we were meeting and I told him either there at the hospital or he gets better and we'd see him at home.

I finally checked my voicemail later that evening and there was a voicemail from his doctor telling me that he was doing okay and his condition was stable at the moment. I wondered why and how my phone number got on the white board at the hospital, but I guess my Aunt (his Wife) gave them my number rather than all 5 of his older children because they had both loved and trusted my Sister and I and knew that we were attentive. I was flattered, yet so shocked. I didn't know when the message was left since I hadn't checked my voicemail in days, but assumed that it was old.

Yesterday morning, as we were getting ready to leave to go see him, we got a phone call telling us that he had just passed away. My heart shattered and I couldn't believe that I didn't make it to see him as I had promised. WHY did I wait so long? All I wanted was to see him smile one last time and to give him another hug and tell him that I loved him and hopefully get another "I lub you" from him. He was with his son, Bong Sarim, at the time and he had just finished giving him a back massage and had just laid him back down in bed. He asked if my Uncle felt better and he said he felt a lot better and wasn't in pain. While he was sleeping, about 5 minutes later, he passed away. All I can be thankful for now is knowing that he went peacefully and painless. Best of all, he got to see all of his family before he passed because everyone was there for the reunion as well. He was a great Man and I know that he is in a better place. He lived a long life of 82 years... we all wish it could have been longer.

Oum, may your soul rest in peace. You know that we all love you and miss you so much. Your smile, laugh, and memories of you will always live on in our hearts and your legacy will continue for many generations to come.

Here I Go...

Its been awhile since I really posted an actual post, huh? Well, my life had been crazy for the past... almost a whole month. I failed to blog because there is just so much that I want to say, but I know that I wouldn't have enough time or enough words to describe my life in full. Usually, I like writing but at the moment, I'd much rather sit down and have a heart to heart with the people who are closest to me. With that said, I'll try my best to summarize and though it is a challenge for me to do so, I will try to keep it short.

Now... where shall I start?

I got married! Yes, I definitely panicked and stressed before the actual day... I even cried a few times! BUT... when it came to the day(s), it was such a smooth ride. I honestly thought that I'd be Bridezilla, but one of my bridesmaids pointed out, "Wow, Thyda... you're really chill and you are nowhere close to being Bridezilla". Thank goodness! I really owe everything to my Family and my close friends. My FAMILY... oh my gosh... words can not describe how grateful I am for them. They did not let me worry about a single thing and on top of taking care of everything that needed to be, they made sure that I was relaxed and enjoying myself. If I needed something, they were there for me without even making me ask them twice. My siblings and I have a lot of unspoken love for each other... they are absolutely amazing! My friends... wow... they were by my side through it all. I honestly let a lot of things slip through my fingers because honestly, I am not a planner and am the least organized person I know. OH... and I'm a HUGE procrastinator... so you can just imagine. My friends were there to pick up everything I let slip and again, not let me worry about anything. The day of my wedding was the day that I realized how blessed I am with the greatest people in my life... my Family, friends, and my new Husband. :)

The day(s) were filled with so many tears. Everyone who knows me know that I'm a Baby... a cry baby that is! Being the youngest in the family, my siblings always felt that they needed to take care of me... which they did. Throughout the wedding, we were blessed over and over and I can't help but feel that each one of their blessings also felt like a Goodbye. We all know that I'll be moving after the wedding and though I am glad to be starting my life with my Husband, I can't help but feel the sadness I do when I think about being so far away from my Family. My Family loves me... so much. Everyone who was at the wedding ceremony can see that. They cried... I cried... both tears of joy and tears of sadness to know that we will be further apart. :( I am choking up thinking about it all again. Maybe I'll get into more details about that later. Oh... and the only thing that really upset me was the fact that I didn't try on my dress before the wedding so when I put it on and ready to go, the top was falling off and someone had to sew it in for me right away... within ten minutes! So... my dress ended up not looking the way I had wanted it to, but thats okay... I'll live.

To me, my wedding was PERFECT. It was more than I expected it to be and its unfortunate that it all felt like a blur to me... more like a dream!

Many of you may already know... but the day that everyone left to go back home, my Mom grew sick that night. To the point where my Sister and I had to rush her to the emergency room at 4am. It was a painful process and I have never felt so numb in my life. By the time we got to the hospital, my Mom stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating. Right when they said, "we don't have a pulse", I nearly collapsed. It was a moment that I don't like to think about... but it still haunts me every single day. We were told that they weren't sure she was going to make it... and my heart dropped. That was the moment that I felt like I couldn't go on with my own life... it was hard for me to breathe myself. The rest of my family got there... and we were in each others' arms... and making sure that my Dad was okay. Finally, they came and let us know that they performed CPR and got her heart beating again, but she wasn't breathing and was on life support. She was at risk of brain damages if she was going to make it, so they had to wrap her in sheets of ice to keep her core temperature cool. My Mother was in a coma... at that point we didn't know if she was going to make it, but we were hopeful. The sight of my Mom basically freezing with a huge tube down her throat and unconscious broke my heart. I knew that she was sick because of the stress she had been under and because of all the work that she had done for me for MY wedding. My Mom doesn't complain when she's sick and she especially didn't even make a moan this time because she constantly said that there is no way she is going to be sick on her baby's wedding day... no way. Many things happened during those days that she was in the intensive care unit, but as I said, I'd rather sit down and have a heart to heart with those closest to me. Finally after about 3 days, my Mom attempted to open her eyes while holding mine and my Sister's hands. It was a miracle... the feeling is indescribable. She continued to stay in the intensive care unit for another 3 or 4 days until they were able to take off the ventilator. She still had difficulty breathing, but my Mom was a fighter and she told me that she was going to be strong for me. She wasn't able to speak yet... not even cough because of all the blisters caused by the ventilator. My poor Mom... I can only imagine all the pain she felt. I'd have to excuse myself and hide and cry outside her room many times because again, it was hard to see my Mother in that state. She experienced some memory loss, but one of the first things she asked was, "Did I make it to my daughter's wedding?". She didn't remember the wedding, but it slowly came back to her later. The doctors predicted that she would have to stay at the hospital for at least another two weeks. Thankfully, my Mom recovered sooner than anyone had ever expected. How? Because she is a strong woman and a fighter... there's nothing she can't overcome. She's amazing!

It took her a few more days to be able to walk slowly by herself. After being hospitalized for nearly two weeks altogether, she was discharged. Though she came back home, it took her awhile to do things by herself again. I felt blessed to be able to bathe for my Mom and hold her hand through tough times... letting her know that I will always be there for her. My Sisters flew back from CA right away and so did my nieces and nephews... and so did Sam. The nurses and doctors said that they felt the warmth and love of our family and told us that we were lucky. Yes... we are lucky.

On top of everything, I still had another wedding reception to worry about. To be honest, I was on the verge of cancelling it. BUT... there was no way that my Mom would let me. Sam took care of everything... he's the best.

You can imagine how torn I felt at the time. I know that I agreed to move down to CA after I get married, but with my Mom being this sick, I had to rethink my decision. Even so, my Mom told me that she would not be able to live with herself if I was to stay back in WA with her because she does not want to hold me back from my life and my future. I tried to tell her not to look at it that way, but she got emotional and told me that I have to move on and live my life and she promised that she would be fine. Of all my siblings, my oldest Sister and I are the only two who have never really lived far from my Parents. For me, its because as I said, I'm a Baby and I need to be with my Parents most of the time. I feel so guilty for leaving them now, but they wouldn't allow me to stay back. I'm torn. Now, my plan is to move my Parents with me to CA within the next year or two. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow... or shall I say, today... I will be making the big move. I can't sleep. There is so much on my mind and this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Also, its my nephew Justin's birthday. I feel so guilty for leaving him on this day... he's like my son to me. He told me today that he was going to miss me... and my tears just started to roll and I couldn't stop it. It came even more when my precious nephew tried to wipe away my tears. He then told me not to cry because he's visiting soon. Which is true! My family is going only a few days after me, but even so, its hard.

There are still so many things that I need to get done... even when I leave in the morning. I asked my Parents to still keep my room for me because I'll be back (duh!)... and they said of course! I had a going away dinner with the ladies on Monday and happy hour with the girls last night. Gosh... I love all of them. Thank goodness for great girlfriends who are more than willing to sit there to listen to me b*tch for hours and also give me a hug when I need it most. As I said, I've been blessed.

I haven't seen the new place yet, but apparently, its only a couple blocks away from the beach... so I'm excited. Sam hasn't given me too many details because he said that its a surprise... LOL! He's been so patient with me through everything... definitely the best Husband I could ever ask for. :)

Okay... time to go to bed. Its 5:30am... I might as well not sleep, huh? Oh well... maybe I can get a few minutes in. Goodnight... Good Morning.

Good Things are Happenin'!!

So... my Aunt is doing better and she might be released tomorrow! I'll be there at the hospital later tonight to help interpret. Supposedly, she feels more comfortable with me there since her kids are quiet and sort of reluctant to ask too many questions. Dude... I think doctors and nurses hate me because I ask too many questions... no matter how big or small. Sorry if I just want to know what the heck is going on with my loved ones!! But yeah... just glad that she's doing better and able to talk again. YAYYY! Thanks to all those who had her in their thoughts and prayers! :)

I can't believe I'm going to go see Sam in just 4 days... well, I'll get there in 5 days, but still. I've been waiting for the day to come for too long! I still don't know what else to do in Orlando besides Disneyworld. Right now, I just want to relax on the beach. It feels good to take a nap in hot weather and the tan is definitely a plus! His Parents are coming out to meet us next week, so maybe we'll also do some exploring? Hehe... excited!

I asked Justin if he'd beat his Mom up for me if I gave him a million dollars. (I was mad at his Mom for some reason and I don't remember) He went and punched her and she asked him why. He said, "I want a million dollars!" LOL. I know... I'm horrible for having the kid do that, but I honestly didn't think that he would because he loves his Mom. Well... I guess he loves a million bucks more! HAHA!

I woke up and couldn't find my glasses this morning. I had to go put on my contacts only to find them on my bed next to my pillow. How can I be so freakin' blind? UGH!

Too Hot!

It is hot as heck! I don't remember the last time it was this hot in Seattle. Actually, I shouldn't be complaining since it was a really nice weekend. Could have used a few more breezes though.

Woke up early to go visit my Aunt at the hospital this morning. (My Mom's other older Sister) Her heart is having complications and she will have to stay there to be monitored for awhile because it doesn't seem to be getting any better than yesterday morning. :( She'll be just fine though... I know she's going to keep on fighting. She was so cute this morning (well... she always is). My cousin, Pheap, was with her and I guess the rest of her siblings (she has lots) will be switching back and forth to stay with her. My Aunt's brave though... she said she doesn't need anybody! LOL! My Dad is such a punk... he was making comments on how incredibly short my Aunt's legs were while she was in bed! He's like, "are they usually this short?" LOL... he was just teasing her! :D OH... I made my Daddy tell Mom that he loved her in the elevator today. HAHA... Mom blushed! So cute!

I hate weekends because thats when I'm always always eating out with the fam bam... and boy do we love buffets! HAHA!

Came home and mowed the lawn today. Not posting that on Facebook because those punk asses are just going to make fun of me again! Was going to do some gardening and trim the flowers and trees around the arch in front of the house, but the damn sun was not being friendly to me.

I can't stand the heat. I don't know how I'm going to survive living in California. HECK... I don't know how I'm going to tolerate Florida and Georgia next week! Ahhhh... if I could, I'd walk around naked! LOL... sike! Indecent exposure!

The kids across the street had a lemonade stand up. It was going for 50 cents a cup. A lot of cars stopped and bought some to support the kiddos since the house next door is selling and had an open house. Also... a few houses in our community was having garage sales. How messed up would it be if I set up a stand and sold mine for only 45 cents a cup? HAHA! HEY... whatever makes the money, honey!

Torn

The biopsy test results didn't come in today as expected. My Sister and I got to the hospital around 8am... couldn't get much sleep last night either. HOW do you go to bed peacefully knowing that someone you love so much is suffering and in so much pain? We tried not to leave his side at any time because we knew that he was scared and didn't want to be alone. Everytime that we had to step out of his room, we'd let him know. He hated being alone, we can tell.

My two sisters, my cousin, and I were asked to speak to the doctor to figure out where we are at at this point. It was an emotional and difficult one... probably the hardest hour I've had to sit through. My oldest sister is unofficially our family's spokesperson, and I really don't know how she does it. I am very thankful for her... especially during times like these.

My Uncle was doing so well yesterday. He wanted to get better and tried his very best to do what he can that we told him might make him feel better and stronger. Today, I told him that stretching will help his muscles and five minutes later, he asked me to help him stretch.

It took a turn today. He was not feeling well and started throwing up blood. It started once every few hours. Before I left, it was every twenty minutes. I asked the nurse how long this vomiting would last... and she told me that it will last "until its over"... you know what that means. I was not prepared for this... especially after seeing what I thought was progress yesterday.

Its 12:30am... told my cousin that I'll be at the hospital by 5:30am so that he can go to work. Tempted to just go back now. I can't rest nor sleep like this.

He HAS to get better... at least for a little bit so that he can finally enjoy life. He'd worked too hard all his life. This just isn't fair.

I love you, Uncle! You will get better... you have to. I have faith in you... I really, really, do.

(I can't express how I truly feel at the moment... no words can really explain this hurt and pain I feel right now.)

Contnuing to PRAY...

My Uncle needs to get better. He is really trying so hard to fight this.

NEVER in my life have I ever felt so proud and seen such a strong fighter.

Its been another long, bittersweet, and scary day. Even so, we made it through.

He's AMAZING.

More results from the biopsy coming tomorrow. Please, please, please pray for the best.

Just got home from the hospital... don't know if I can sleep tonight. I wish I can write down every little emotion and every conversation I've had these past few days. * sigh *

I've come to realize who and what is important to me. If I could turn back time, I would do so many things differently. I can't, so now I will do the best with my time from now on.

Exhausted...

Just got back from the hospital. Its 1:08am... but with the "Spring Forward", that makes it 2:08am. I told them that I"ll be back by 8am tomorrow. Lets hope I get SOME sleep tonight since I haven't gotten any for the past three. Most importantly, my Uncle is getting his rest.

I would talk about this more, but I really do need to get to bed. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll have better news.

Again, please keep him in your thoughts. Miracles can happen... I KNOW it.

Bittersweet

Its been a really long day... definitely a hard one. I couldn't sleep last night. The image of his 100 pound body lying on his bed kept flashing through my mind.

My Dad and I went to go pick up my Aunt this morning... around 8am. Her conditions have worsen since she knew that her husband (my Uncle) is sick. She's unable to walk, but she speaks clearly. She didn't even have the energy to hold on to the tissue paper in her hand. We carried her into the car, and she kept saying that she's not sure if she will make it over to the hospital. It was hard to see her like that... and we didn't know the right words to say. We arrived at the hospital and got a wheelchair for her. My heart just broke when I pushed her over by his side. He asked to hold her hand though it was shaky. Tears streamed down her face... no matter how hard she tried to control it. She told him to get better soon so that he can go home. She then went on and said that since the day that they met 49 years ago, they have never been apart for a day. Even when she was sick, he was still able to take care of her as she was bedridden, not knowing that he was sick himself. She later told the rest of the family that my Uncle had been visiting his family doctor, but they were so negligent of him being there. She said that whenever he went, he would tell them that he was in pain, but they sent him home on antibiotics. He continued to go see the doctor telling them that he was in pain, and they said to him that he's always back and always saying the same thing... advising him to just take his medication. WHY did they not look into his well being any more than they did? Again... I need to be reminded... WHAT the FUCK are they there for again?

Cancer doesn't happen overnight. If only they listened to his complaints and took more care of him, this might not even be as big of a problem as it is right now. A year he's been trying to tell his family doctor that he's sick, and did they take his words seriously? We can only wish they did. He's in his fourth and last stage and the cancer has already spread everywhere... even down to his bones. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that my poor Uncle is in right now.

My cousin walked through the door and I couldn't stop from crying because we both had so many memories with my Uncle. The nurse saw us together and came to give us a hug... which was very kind of her. Though my Uncle does not have any kids of his own, he is a Man with a HUGE heart and a HUGE family that loves him. Today, I saw at least 60 different faces of our HUGE family. I have relatives who are flying in to see him this weekend... some, all the way from Boston. I told you he is loved! :) Sopheap AKA "Moum" AKA Bumble Bee (my cousin that I mentioned before) and I sat in the car and reminisced about our childhood. Happy memories from when Oum Loun (my Uncle) would chase us and yell at us for being lazy. Our families used to pick beans (hehe.... no shame) during the summer and he would always be the first one there at the fields with his wife. They are such hard workers who were always hard on themselves. They worked so hard their whole lives and everyone who knew them knew that of them. There were times when my Uncle wouldn't let my Aunt in the car because she didn't wipe her feet ... LOL... he loved his car! The last time I saw him, he teased me about trading cars with me because I was driving a brand new car... and I told him that it was my Dad's car. Then he's like, "Wow.. your Dad has a new car? Can I borrow it for a day?" LOL... he's so cute! My handsome Uncle... he is VERY handsome... you would have thought so too if you saw him a couple months ago! ;)

He had a biopsy done today... a CT scan. I grew really frustrated because we have been waiting for this since yesterday. I know that the biopsy wouldn't have done anything to make it better... it was only to see where the cancer started. Of course, he couldn't eat or drink anything before the procedure. So, they literally starved him of food AND water since yesterday! If he was thirsty, we had to use a sponge to wet the insides of his mouth. He told us that he was thirsty and hungry since yesterday... and this morning when we got there, still... NOTHING. WTF? I didn't mean to go off on the Doctor... I knew that its not their fault, but they kept stalling for over a day. They told us it was going to be done in 30 minutes. It did not get done until 5:30pm today. 33 hours... 66 different "30 more minutes" sessions. Even after the hour long procedure, they did not let him eat until an hour later. He didn't get to eat anything until around 8pm. Even so, he was limited to clear broths... so all the food that we brought was thrown out. None of us had much of an appetite left. He drank about two glasses of water in one sitting. It broke my heart to see him like that. His arms are the skinniest I've ever seen on ANYONE... and you can see his ribs and the bones in his chest are visible. Never did I imagine him ever being like that. Our family lived a good life... and my cousin and I were convinced that our family was invincible. This is a shock to us.

After he got some energy back from his broth, I tried to lift his spirits and make everyone laugh in the room. I asked him if he wanted to trade cars for a day... and he said that he's only going to ride the most expensive car! LOL... I told him that he's going to have to ask my cousin (Bong Voeun)... HE drives the nicest car in the family. Then I told him to get better so we can go back and pick some beans and he can use his really tall buckets! He laughed! :) We tried to feed him some more, but as I mentioned before, he's strong... so he insisted on eating himself. I told him he'd better hurry before I eat all his food. He laughed and said that he believed me... I would eat all his food! LOL! I eat anything! His lips were so chapped, and I managed to dig some carmex and applied it for him. I told him he looked pretty and was worried that I put LIPSTICK on for him! :D I wish I could have, but he'd probably get up and kick my ass like he used to (jokingly). My Sister came... and I was like, "Oum, look! There's that MOUNTAIN!" (He used to tease her about her size) Then, I said, "here's my palm tree!" (we used to call him that because he's so tall!) He laughed and patted my head! It was a nice feeling. The nurse later came in and said something about going to the casino and he's like, "casino?" and the nurse joked with him a bit... asking him for $5 for every extra visitor he had because he had so many! :P She held out her hand and goes, "Can I have some money?" He asked her how much she wanted... and she said "a million!" and he goes, "TWO million!" and gave her his hand. It was so cute... and he was smiling. Later, we're like, "Uncle, we didn't know you wanna go to the casino!" He's like, "I've never been to one... and I want to go!" We told him to get better and we promise to all bring him! We said that we'd bring him to Vegas! AND... we'll buy him a really expensive car! He laughed. He said that he wanted to eat RICE and some Khmer "somlaw" (stew). Tomorrow, we're going to bring him lots of that! :D

My Uncle had always been a happy Man and always had a smile on his face. He has a great sense of humor and again, VERY strong. Anyone who knows him is LUCKY. There is a HUGE waiting room on the floor, and our entire family took over. Its so bittersweet to see everyone come together and really really pray for him. We hate the fact that we have to discuss our plans if and when the worst comes, but it had to be done. Definitely an emotional discussion that I would not ever want to have to go through again.

I've heard some great stories when doctors are wrong. I am also a true believer in miracles. If anyone deserves a miracle, it would have to be him. Please, please... keep my Uncle in your thoughts and prayers.

Please Pray

Last night, after being at the hospital, I had a chance to talk to the doctors and my oldest Brother who was there almost throughout the whole day. They have yet to place him in an actual room... he is in the Express Care Unit, which is pretty much a hallway with beds.

I finally heard the whole story, and I'm not impressed. When he was admitted into the hospital three weeks ago, they did find a lump, but St. Clare's hospital said that it was minute and he can wait to see a cancer specialist on March 15th. Three weeks later (yesterday), he was admitted to a different hospital (St. Joseph's) and we were told that if we waited any longer, we could have lost him. As you can see, March 15th would have been WAY too late.

Now, we were told that there is nothing else that they can do. The cancer has spread all throughout his body, even his spine. He's in his last stages and we were told that he has about three days to live, give or take. Again, March 15th would have been way too late. The doctors at St. Joseph's told us that he has had this for over a year now. How could St. Clare's not have seen anything wrong? I should have known. St. Clare's is known for being negligent with their patients. I really don't even know why they're still standing.

My Uncle is a strong man... he doesn't show his pain and you would never hear him complan no matter how much anything hurts. Yesterday, when he saw me come in the room, he STILL tried to push himself up to see me. My Uncle, a Man who once stood 5'11 at 160 pounds has now shrunk to a mere 5'6 at 105 pounds... and this happened over a three month period. I tried to be strong and not let him see me cry, but he saw. I gave him a hug, and he was a bit shaken by it. I kissed him on the cheek many times and I'm not sure if he was annoyed, but I don't care. I have to let him know that I love him and even in this condition, I'm not afraid of being close to him.

What hurts even more is that when he heard about my engagement the last time he saw me, he teased and said that he never goes to anyone's wedding... he usually sends money with others as gifts, but he's definitely coming to his niece's (mine). :( Now, I really hope the doctors are wrong. I really really hope so.

His Wife is also sick, and she has not yet been to the hospital to see him. This morning, he requested for her. I'm on my way to go pick her up to see him. My heart's going to break.

Please, if you're reading this... please please pray for my Uncle. Thank You.

Uncle

I love you. Please stay strong. You still tried to get up today when I came to see you. That was my first time really kissing you on the cheek. Please don't let it be the last time.

Numb

I feel so numb right now. I just found out that my uncle is diagnosed with cancer.

I am really mad at myself for not visiting him some time last month with my parents. I figured I'd just see him at our next family gathering... which is right around the corner.

A couple of weeks ago, he was admitted into the E.R. and supposedly, they did not know what was wrong with him and omitted him that evening and set an appointment for him for March 15th. Appointment for what? I'm not sure... but thats what we were told.

This morning, he was admitted into the E.R. again and we were told that if we waited any longer, we could have lost him. What do they expect when they told us that he'd have to wait until March 15th? Now, they say that he is in his last stages.

He is a strong Man. He's my Dad's older Brother... but has the energy of any man in their twenties! I love him... and am praying for him. He's a strong Man and I love him so much for that.

Right now, I am just very upset at the doctors who did not look into this during his first visit weeks ago. A couple weeks can make a difference... I believe that. It would be nice to have known this during these last few weeks, you know? *sigh* I know that doctors aren't miracle workers, but I would think that they'd make more effort into trying to figure out what was wrong rather than sending a patient home with an appointment to see them again a month later. Ugh!