How strong can one be until they lose strength and become weak? I hate feeling weak... and I wish I was forever strong. I've tried to stay as strong as much as I can, but my heart is fragile and grows more brittle by the moment. I feel my weakness seeping through... but maybe those are just the tears?
A friend asked me today, "How do you and Sam do it?", and I knew immediately that he was referring to our long distance relationship. I wish I could have given him a more confident, optimistic, and hopeful answer... but I knew that the truth was clear... its HARD.
A girl he'd been seeing shortly had left to another country for a few weeks... and the first three or four days are already troubling him and he's frustrated that he still has a couple more weeks to go. How can you blame him? How can anyone? My first thought was, "its only a few days and you're already crying? thats nothing!" I didn't say that, of course... because it IS something... and I would be just as frustrated. If a blanket kept you warm for some time, and all of the sudden, it drifts from you (even if its temporary), you'd feel the chills, coldness, and loneliness too... and you will be frustrated. I understood exactly where he was coming from.
Distance isn't an easy problem to fix, though people make it seem so easy when they tell you to just "pick up and leave already!". If it was that easy, I wouldn't be here rambling in this little blog of mine. There are many factors that play into this life changing decision... and though love conquers all, it doesn't eliminate the obstacles and tough decisions that need to be made before it conquers anything at all. Those are the headaches... and the heartaches.
I see my sweetheart about once every month or so. Sometimes the gap between the times we see each other are long, and sometimes they're short... but I manage to miss him more and more after each visit. Its getting harder and harder... and we're trying our best to hold on and pull through. I see no ending for us... just a really big pause. The times that we get to spend together, I remember just about every moment. I get spoiled during these times as where I am able to be next to him, be held and kissed by him. These are the true moments I cherish, hence the title of this blog. The hardest part of all though, is the entire day before someone's departure back home. This is when my eyes are almost always filled with tears and I just want to break down and cry and pray that the departure doesn't really have to happen... but we both know it does. Once someone walks towards that airport door, my heart drops and I feel the bruises beginning to form. Dramatic as it may sound, one wouldn't understand the feeling until they're in those shoes. It hurts. And then we return to our usual routines... where we wake up and no one is next to you, where meals are eaten without the one that makes your food taste so much better, where you walk without your half by your side, and go to bed... knowing they're not next to you and not knowing if they're keeping warm. Yes... those are only a few of the minor moments that make up the million reasons for my heartache.
If we look at the big picture, its easy to see that we're blessed with one of the greatest gifts, pleasures, and joy of life... and thats true love. True love thats hard to find, that is. I'm indeed thankful for this bigger picture and this man who loves me. I know that the little details that add up and make the bigger picture seems worthless when alone, but once grouped together, its something beautiful and rare... and its MINE.
This happiness of mine? It makes my often sense of loneliness look minute, weak, and nearly of no existence at all.