March 11, 2009

Life can be so cruel and so cold...

My Uncle's biopsy results came in. The rest of the family was to show up at the hospital at 2pm to speak to the Doctor and hear the news all together and ask questions, if any. The Doctor showed up at 12:20pm and only my Sister and I were there with my Uncle. We asked him to wait until 2pm to speak to the rest of the family since that was the time that we agreed on the day prior. He said, "I'll only be here for 15 minutes and then you won't see me again for two days. I'm a busy person, thats just the way my life is". How cold and heartless, mother fucker! His name is Dr. Senical (cynical)... his name suits him perfectly, it seems.

I was not prepared to tell my Uncle... but my Sister and I had to. Holding his hand, you can see the hurt in his face when we were telling him. I was heartbroken and torn and hated myself for being the one who had to tell my Uncle that he was dying. I tried to tell him to be strong and keep fighting because we are all going to fight WITH him. He asked me if there's a cure. I told him no. He asked if surgery was an option. Again, I had to tell him no. From that point on (yesterday), he had been so miserable.

My poor Uncle... hurting in many more ways than one and I am watching him and there's not a DAMN thing that I can do about it. I hate myself for this. I'd rather be the one laying there in that bed than him. He does not deserve this and it hurts to see him suffer like that.

Since we gave him the news, his spirits crushed. He has not stayed awake for more than five minutes at a time. When he's asleep, we can see the pain in his face and again, not a damn thing we can do. He hasn't been able to get up or eat... he does not even have the energy to sip water with his straw.

This is byfar the hardest thing I've ever had to face in my life. Its really a wake up call and I'm still learning so much from this. :( I feel this pain in my chest and my heart... and its killing me inside.

I know that at this point, its hard to stay in denial. I'm slowly starting to accept this fact of life and though its so hard and painful to accept, its inevitable. I just really hope that when the time comes, my Uncle will not be suffering or hurt. He's a great Man and deserves so much more than this. Life isn't fair... its rather cruel and cold and at the moment, I am angry with it.

Although I am preparing myself for the worst, I am still expecting the best. I have not given up hope and am still continuing to pray.

(this is hard for me to talk about in full details.... I still feel so numb inside with a stab through my chest and my heart)


  1. No words can express the pain you are feeling but I hope the best for you and your family.

  2. Bopha... thank you for your kind words. Honestly, its very much appreciated. Thank you.

  3. I believe in miracles and will continue to pray for your uncle and your family. I'm so sorry Thyda. But at least you get to spend every single day with him. You're such a brave girl. Love you.

  4. I understand how you are feeling right now. Its hard to digest all these emotions hitting you at once. I say I understand because I was in your situation 2 years ago. Each and everyday the hospital was our second home. Their were only certain amount of visitors allowed at a time into my grandma's bedside. Then the rest of the family were all crowded in the waiting room close by. Its time like this that makes everything seem so unreal and it makes you vulnerable. Even though it was a tough week, I was very glad to have the family support. I couldn't fathom the pain she was going through, but I knew happiness was in her when she saw all her children, grandchildren, and great grandchild visiting her everyday. She past away due to hepatitis C and kidney failure. Thyda, I commend you on taking up the task to explain and be the news for everyone. Be strong and my best prayers for your uncle to fight on! - Sawady